STORY FROM A WOMAN by
@Victoria Essien
WIDOWED BUT NOT WITHERED!
When a woman looses her spouse, many times, she suffers loss on so many fronts. As if the loss of the man she had the dream of spending forever with isn't enough, she also has to deal with exclusion from the society and stigmatization.
Somewhere in Nigeria, it is a taboo for another woman to sit beside a widow, unless she wants her own husband to die too. I won't even start on the women who've been accused of killing their husbands and the horrible treatment widows are subjected to, in the name of tradition.
One of Biodun's relatives came to Facebook to spew ignorance when he died. He said Biodun had been sick and his wife didn't even inform his family. I didn't even answer, did I have the strength? Me that my head was scattered in different places.
Widows suffer neglect by both families. Her family doesn't want anything to do with her because she's been given out in marriage, hence no longer their responsibility. Her husband's family, nko? Those ones are only after what they can get from her. They want the children but not the responsibility of catering for them. And so, she's left alone; vulnerable, unsheltered, and unprotected.
She's exploited and abused. Some men believe that a widow's highest need is sex. And so they come, sometimes offering 'help', but asking for sex in return. Some even see it as doing the widow a great favour. Married men o! 'Christians' too.
I remember when I was having malaria and typhoid fever often. Someone told my neighbour that I was falling sick because I wasn't being 'serviced'. Inukwa! To the glory of God, I'm no more falling sick and I didn't need 'servicing'.
Is it about the confusion in her head? She's asking herself, "Am I still married or single?" She has a form to fill out and there's no column for widowed. What should she do? Single or married?
The society also confuses her. Some expect her to remain single for life. "Don't remarry o! For what na? Stay and take care of your children. Continue mourning your husband. Ehn, you're smiling, when you lost your husband? Be moody and sober all the days of your life. You're dressing well? Are you trying to attract men?", and on and on.
Others say she should remarry. " You're still young, you cannot stay alone. The Bible says to remarry ". Yes to all that, but who should she remarry? The man who wants her because of what her late husband left for her? Or the one who wants her but sees her kids as excess baggage?
Few years back, a 'well-meaning' person told me to take my children to my mother-in-law, so I could be free to remarry. Chai! My children that are my life. So I'll be enjoying in the city and my children will be running around naked in one village? Mbanu!!! Even the pastors who preach remarriage don't marry widows when their wives die, they marry single ladies. Therefore, to remarry or not is the widow's decision to make. Don't make it for her.
Wearing a widow's shroud can really be tough. A widow is first of all a woman with sexual needs. Though the challenges of life may suppress those needs, they are there all the same. So how does she channel those cravings? For me, sex is not and has never been a problem, but we're all wired differently.
Folks don't care about the widow's welfare, but they want to know how she's handling her sexual needs. Don't make it your business, it's between her and her Creator/Husband. There was a time I didn't attend communion service in church and a woman who doesn't ask after me from year to year, told someone that I didn't attend because I was probably sleeping with one man. Ok! So this year, I've missed two communion services at a go, and so I'm probably living in a brothel. Do I even care?
You don't wear the shoes, so don't even pretend to know the feel of them. Stay on your lane.
Dear widow, your husband is dead and it's not necessarily your fault. Work towards finding yourself again. If friends and family leave, let them be. Strive ahead and don't be angry or bitter. Try not to depend on others, they have their own issues.
If I've offended anyone with this post, forgive me. I'm not subbing anyone, I only write as I'm being led.
@Victoria Essien
WIDOWED BUT NOT WITHERED!
When a woman looses her spouse, many times, she suffers loss on so many fronts. As if the loss of the man she had the dream of spending forever with isn't enough, she also has to deal with exclusion from the society and stigmatization.
Somewhere in Nigeria, it is a taboo for another woman to sit beside a widow, unless she wants her own husband to die too. I won't even start on the women who've been accused of killing their husbands and the horrible treatment widows are subjected to, in the name of tradition.
One of Biodun's relatives came to Facebook to spew ignorance when he died. He said Biodun had been sick and his wife didn't even inform his family. I didn't even answer, did I have the strength? Me that my head was scattered in different places.
Widows suffer neglect by both families. Her family doesn't want anything to do with her because she's been given out in marriage, hence no longer their responsibility. Her husband's family, nko? Those ones are only after what they can get from her. They want the children but not the responsibility of catering for them. And so, she's left alone; vulnerable, unsheltered, and unprotected.
She's exploited and abused. Some men believe that a widow's highest need is sex. And so they come, sometimes offering 'help', but asking for sex in return. Some even see it as doing the widow a great favour. Married men o! 'Christians' too.
I remember when I was having malaria and typhoid fever often. Someone told my neighbour that I was falling sick because I wasn't being 'serviced'. Inukwa! To the glory of God, I'm no more falling sick and I didn't need 'servicing'.
Is it about the confusion in her head? She's asking herself, "Am I still married or single?" She has a form to fill out and there's no column for widowed. What should she do? Single or married?
The society also confuses her. Some expect her to remain single for life. "Don't remarry o! For what na? Stay and take care of your children. Continue mourning your husband. Ehn, you're smiling, when you lost your husband? Be moody and sober all the days of your life. You're dressing well? Are you trying to attract men?", and on and on.
Others say she should remarry. " You're still young, you cannot stay alone. The Bible says to remarry ". Yes to all that, but who should she remarry? The man who wants her because of what her late husband left for her? Or the one who wants her but sees her kids as excess baggage?
Few years back, a 'well-meaning' person told me to take my children to my mother-in-law, so I could be free to remarry. Chai! My children that are my life. So I'll be enjoying in the city and my children will be running around naked in one village? Mbanu!!! Even the pastors who preach remarriage don't marry widows when their wives die, they marry single ladies. Therefore, to remarry or not is the widow's decision to make. Don't make it for her.
Wearing a widow's shroud can really be tough. A widow is first of all a woman with sexual needs. Though the challenges of life may suppress those needs, they are there all the same. So how does she channel those cravings? For me, sex is not and has never been a problem, but we're all wired differently.
Folks don't care about the widow's welfare, but they want to know how she's handling her sexual needs. Don't make it your business, it's between her and her Creator/Husband. There was a time I didn't attend communion service in church and a woman who doesn't ask after me from year to year, told someone that I didn't attend because I was probably sleeping with one man. Ok! So this year, I've missed two communion services at a go, and so I'm probably living in a brothel. Do I even care?
You don't wear the shoes, so don't even pretend to know the feel of them. Stay on your lane.
Dear widow, your husband is dead and it's not necessarily your fault. Work towards finding yourself again. If friends and family leave, let them be. Strive ahead and don't be angry or bitter. Try not to depend on others, they have their own issues.
If I've offended anyone with this post, forgive me. I'm not subbing anyone, I only write as I'm being led.
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